Nightmare

I had a crazy dream/nightmare last night
this is what I remember.

I was in the plaza of a hotel like building that overlooked the ocean. I was siting on a white couch by a fireplace watching TV with other people, not sure if i knew them or not. The ocean was grey and there was a cruise ship out there.

The report on the news said there was a terrorist attack, in a big city. I was like ok, NY is getting fucked up again. The attack used airliners like 9/11 did, and slammed into some buildings. I looked to the ocean while drinking a cup of coffee and then saw an airliner, it leveled out close to the sea and crashed into the rear of the cruise ship, followed by lots of other explosions.

This guy that looked like Neil Diamond in lifeguard shorts started baring orders. He sent people that could swim well out to rescue people. Even though I can't swim I found myself on a kayak going out to the sinking ship, nothing but burning rubble and people screaming. Some survivors started swimming to my kayak, I told them help was coming, they started to grab my kayak and climb on it. I told them no and it started to flip. I hit some of them with the paddle to keep them of and paddled away leaving them behind.

I came to shore and it was city, burning with ash falling down. I was surprisingly calm. I ran off looking for someone, I'm not sure who, but probably someone I care for deeply. I couldn't find her and i came back to the meeting place, which was the Seattle Space Needle. It had been tipped over like a fallen tree. I entered the elevator shaft like going in a cave. Inside was a round table with people talking. It looked like a law office from the 70's.

I told them this was a bad place to meet because the space needle is a famous building and probably is a target of the terrorists.

I woke up.

This dream was weird, I don't thin of terrorism much. I don't know what it means, so I looked up some key words at a dream website,

Ship
To see a ship in your dream, denotes that you are exploring aspects of your emotions and unconscious mind. The state and condition of the ship is indicative of your emotional state. If it is a cruise ship, then it suggests pleasant moods. If it is a warship, then you are experiencing feelings of aggression.

Shipwreck
To see or dream that you are shipwrecked, suggests that you are experiencing some emotional conflict or are having difficulties in expressing your feelings. Additionally, you may not be ready to confront issues in your unconscious.

Destruction
To dream about mass destruction, suggests that there is some chaos occurring in your life. Things may not be going the way you want it to. Perhaps the choices your are making are self-destructive.

Burning
To see something burning, indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions and/or passionate sexual feelings. There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore.� Alternatively, it may suggests that you need to take time off for yourself and relax.

Weird?

I don't know if I think this is garbage or not. There wasn't a translation for terrorist attack, which I thought was odd.

Any thoughts?

Downs, Ups, and Criss Crosses

So today was one of the most manic in the history of me.

It started with class. Same ole, same ole at first but when seminar came a shit bomb was dropped. I got my shitty essay in on time by the skin of my teeth. Then came announcements, there's always some radical SDS kids thats got to say something about something. Of course Evergreens favorite topic came up, the dead prez riot.

This girl made an announcement about 3 more people being arrested and marching and fund raising or whatever. Of shot random comments, "fucking rats" "snitches get stitches" My own professor asked something about RA's followed by other comments "the RA's are working with the cops."

Kid in the side ways hat, "we got any RA's in here" he looked around with a grin.

"yeah I'm an RA." I spoke up but didn't dig in. I was flustered I was broke.

After the seminars split up dance girl commented how she had the RA's backs and that they get treated like shit. I felt cared for, it was cool being stuck up for. Sideways Hat was silent.

My Prof was also grumpy and tries to give us a 6 page writing assignment. But what else would you expect from a radical political economy class, we went on strike. We negotiated for better terms.

I was on my way home and Riley called, needed my to cover until 5:30 for duty, I was cool with that, but then he calls and asks for more time. I was not cool with that. It was Friday, I had a shitty day and I did not want to be on duty, I refused to be on-duty passed 5:30. One of my bosses called and told me I wasn't stepping up or being a team player. She also wanted me to find someone to cover Riley's shift. Riley is one of my best friends, but this was bullshit, and my boss was giving me shit. It got resolved but not after I threw the RA phone to the ground. Then I flipped on Jai cause she skipped class and missed out on all the RA bashing.

The resident O called my Charlie Murphy, so I found him and hit him across the arm with my lightsaber, no big right? No he kicked me in the balls and said I was the worst RA ever. WTF?

Corbin and Riley proceeded to give me shit.

I went for a walk, found a soccer net. I tried to lay on it and look at the stars. Only my fat ass broke it and got tangled like a dolphin in a tuna net.

Most of the day sucked, but it was made up for with a fun night at the Reef with some great friends.

What Protects

An angel came to my doorway
the morning light spread out
in such warmness
i could not breathe
she touched my check and my
hair began to tingle all over
she told me in a whisper
be kind to others
bring them the joy you
seek and can only
bring to others
open your heart to them and
protect them with all your might
you can protect others better then help
she granted me hope
the courage would find itself

---------------------------------------------

There came an angel
her wings broken and bleeding
feathers littered my floor
i opened my grizzly arms
welcoming her into the
furnace of my soul
slowly warming
her eyes hiding in my shoulder
i will protect you my dear
you are safe now
inside this armor is
my heart and it will guide
us both

Dinosaurs and Camp Fires

I've been feeling pretty active lately.

Just had the first meeting of a club I'm trying to start, Dinosaur Club.
I feel like I'm doing something, be it silly. Only two people showed up at first. Freshmen Zoe and Nick. Then later Riley, Laurel, and Michele followed by Ryan. It went pretty well, I got the signatures I needed and hopefully we will be come a real group with funding next year. We have some cool ideas floating around like raising money and going on a field trip to a palaeontology dig in Utah or something. Dino dances and speakers too.

I just want to start a group at evergreen that's about fun and not something of political importance. I get enough of that from class. I want a group that can act silly.

In other good news I officially have a summer job. I'll be a camp councilor at Camp Kirby on Samish Island (by Bellingham) It's part of Camp Fire Kids. Also their still looking for people, so if you want low pay and no life, but you get to sing songs in one of the most beautiful places in Washington you should talk to me.

That, along with confirmed housing buddy Caleb for next year takes so much stress away. Now I can focus the ion lasers at school. Believe it or not, but I'm actually amped about some stuff in that class. In seminar we talked about actually putting some peracon ideas in motion.

The Plan is to create a "Community Fun Space" that will provide a list of economic "values" we came up with. Such as health care, leisure, sports, anti-oppression, education ect.
We would do this through a land trust and fund raising.

I have a temporary roomate right now. Nathan. Him and Tasha are in a lull period to get in their apartment so he's crashing at my place. We've gotten to know each other pretty well.

In My Own World

Growing up must be the single most destructive part of the human soul.

I was trying to sleep and all I could think about is how I want to go back. If god came down to me and said "Charlie, You get one super power." I would want to be super strong, or fast, or duh fly and then I could help other people and battle Fjord. But really I would pick a selfish power I came up with, the ability to instantly go back to your childhood. Or turn into a kid (13 and under). This power would mean nothing in making the world a better place, only giving me the ability to be lost in my own bliss of true youth.

You will never be as happy as you were when you were a kid.

The funny thing about the human condition is that we always strive for something more. We are beasts of pleasure. We create, we invent, we consume, and we love. We try to love. We keep running and running hoping there's something just ahead, just over that hill, but when you get to the end it's death. The end you finished. We keep looking and fail to realize that our life started out in the happiest form it will ever be in, the rest is just a slow decline to death.

Yes, there will be points of great happiness. You love, you give birth, your team wins the championship many that happen and many to come. But none of that can compare to the complete bliss of childhood. You worry about candy and stormtroopers, not rent or school or wars that don't deal with stars.

If I could pin point the single most happiest time of my life it would land somewhere at age six. My parents were together, we lived in a beautiful pink Victorian house, with a best friend Carson across the street. I was in Kindergarten, and I ruled, I knew my colors, I got to play with paint and blocks, and trains. I got to use my imagination at freewill, creating a world so real it still won't go away today.

All this goes in decline and is wilted away by adulthood. This idea that because your body and brain get bigger you have to eradicate all that is joyous and unknowing. It seeps in through your skin like a poison making its way to your heart and pumped throughout your entire body to every finger tip and toe, a slowly crawling dark ooze wrapping itself around the soul.

I remember going to my Grandma's funeral, I was about five. It was sunny, I had a short sleeve plaid print shirt and khaki pants. The urn of her ashes were set in the ground and a man said some things about god. I looked to my Dad at my right, his hands were folded below his belly and his eyes were closed. I did the same because he and everyone was doing it. The man stopped talking and a looked back at my Dad. He was crying, so I started to cry to, because thats what you were supposed to do.

I want that feeling back.

The sun on my bare back in the backyard. My feet tickled by their movements over the grass, my hands filthy, lathered in mud making Boba Fett fight off a hand made sarlacc pit made in the muddy spot between the shed and garden. Shooting imaginary bad guys and jumping around speaking in my own language, in my own world. I want to play.

Now they just call you crazy if you do that.

That's a nice jar full of shitty looking liquid you got there

It was the second day of class today. I wasn't as nervous, but it wasn't great either. Part of me wants to get through this class and the other screams what the hell I'm I doing here.

First off there was a petition by SDS to get them unbanned from campus, the guy sitting next to me happened to be the one that made the announcement and passed it out, he looked at me as I passed it on without signing.

It's not that I think they should be banned. I just don't want to support them in anyway.

Today was a workshop, I've never been in one of those. There was a group activity. Waiting for us after the break were grouped tables with paper and markers. I sat with Jai and other girls filled in around. The task was to make a symbol of the current U.S. economy and our vision of an ideal economy. I knew my true ideas wouldn't fit with the group so I compromised thinking of basic agreeable stuff. "I love drawing stuff!" I shot right in trying to establish myself but soon all my ideas were shot down, snubbed, and flatly ignored.

It sucked. Jai has been trying to explain it to me and it still sucks. Apparently I'm loud and overbearing (duh) but that isn't interpreted as, "oh, hey this guys excited and hyper." No, it's "He's an overpowering male attempting to push his ways on us."

Well fuck. I try to be the best feminist I can (try). I understand I am a white male, and that it's not a level playing field. But it's also like the have that red robot profiling vision from Terminator, you know, it scans the target then types out the name, height, weight, ect.
Ahhhhh judgey Mc Judgersons!!!!!

Well at least the sun was out today, that was great. Frisbee, football, dragon slaying, you know the usual.

Oh and there was this RAD Services staff appreciation lunch. Total shit. All a fucking smoke screen trying to keep us from boiling over. They think free food, a 50 cent rise and poems will subdue us! Fuck that noise.

All that shit stacked up tonight. I felt left out with some stuff with my friends, but then I got my grumpy ass over to hang out with them.

A walk around the lake and The Reef and I feel like a new man. Well, at least until I start reading again.

Oh and The Reef as shirts now, Tasha and I got one. Also there's been some remodeling. That unsettles me greatly. I hate change. I yeah and Jai said she saw Fjored and his gang pointing at me and talking shit. She told me this after they were gone so I didn't freak out. I say bring it!